DIET BALONEY

DIET JOKES GALORE AND MORE!!!

FUNNY DIET BALONEY

This is a collection of thousands and thousands ofDIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES: a lifelong collection of 65-plus years compiled by DANIEL WORONA "Rara Avis."

Plus-plus thousand's of ORIGINAL diet humor sayings, jokes and quotes by Daniel L. Worona "Rare Bird."

I want to share this lifelong collection of DIET HUMOR with YOU.
(Please read on to find out how.)

You are enjoying Daniel L. Worona’s #1, world-famous “LAUGH IT OFF” DIET.
COPYRIGHT by Daniel L. Worona

1. HOLIDAYS ARE EXEMPT FROM DIETING... AND EVERY DAY'S A HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE.

2. KITCHEN SIGN: MY IDEA OF CLEANING THE KITCHEN IS SWEEPING THE KITCHEN WITH A GLANCE.

3. PITA BREAD: THE TACO FROM MOROCCO.

4. T-shirt saying protesting the barbaric practice of clubbing baby seals: CLUB SANDWICHES,
NOT SEALS.

5. IF STRESS BURNED CALORIES... I'D BE A SIZE ONE!

HOLIDAY DIET TIPS:

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

CARPE DIEM PUNS:

DANIEL WORONA SEPTEMBER 2022:

CARPE DIEM: SEIZE THE DAY.

CARPE DIET: SEIZE THE RICE CAKES.

CARBE DIEM: SIZE THE CARBS.

CARBE DIEM: SEIZE THEM DONUTS, FATTIE!

LEMON DIEM: SQUEEZE THE DAY.

SHARP DIEM: CHEESE THE DAY.

CARBE DIG’EM: SEIZE THE PRETZEL SNACKS.

CAFÉ DIEM: SEIZE THE COFFEE.

HORSE DIEM: SEIZE THE HAY.

CARP DIEM: SEIZE THE FISH.

CARBE PIG'EM: SEIZE THE MUNCHIES.

IF YOU USE THEM, GIVE DANIEL WORONA CREDIT.

IF YOU DON'T, YOU WILL GET A FAT CURSE!!!

Here is a taste of my DIET BALONEY HUMOR:

My most famous diet is my LAUGHT IT OFF DIET (Diet pun intended). Here are a few that are not-so-famous.

1. An easy and sure-fire way to lose weight is Daniel Worona's not-so-famous "NO"-TORIOUS DIET:
No chocolate. No desserts. No snacks. No pizza. No french fries. No ice cream. NO FUN!
This is a NO THRILLS diet. (pun intended)

Daniel L. Worona is the world's leading "NO"-OLOGIST" All dieters should learn Daniel Worona's "NO"-OLOGY.

"NO"-OLOGY: the art of saying "NO" to NO-NO foods.
Copyright 1960 Daniel Worona

Some other of Daniel Worona's not-so-famous DIET BALONEY diets:

2. Daniel Worona's ZIPPA-DA-LIPPA DIET.

3. Daniel Worona's TRY-ANGLE DIET.

4. Daniel Worona's LOSE PHAT PHAST DIET.

You may want to try the popular SEAFOOD DIET by Dr. Jonathan C. Gull:
I SEE FOOD. I EAT IT
(It doesn't work, but who cares!!!) --Daniel L. Worona

SQUARE SWEETS WILL MAKE YOU ROUND. (Daniel Worona)

FUNNY DIET EXCUSES

1. Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.

2. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

3. But the doughnut was calling my name.

4. The children over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.

5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

6. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

7. Do not be a PARASITE!!! (PARASITES just get fatter and fatter.)

Share YOUR diet excuses. E-mail them to me (Please!!!):

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MAJORITY OF MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION IS NOT FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!!

I HAVE A "GOLDMINE" OF DIET HUMOR AND DIET JOKES, HOWEVER, THIS COLLECTION WILL REMAIN "BURIED" UNTIL IT IS PROPERLY PUBLISHED IN BOOK FORM.

CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A LITERARY AGENT, PUBLISHER OR OFFER A SUGGESTION? IF SO, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.
Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

Why do I need a publisher?:

Because... I COULDN'T SELL A LIFEBOAT ON THE TITANIC, however, I am the foremost DIET HUMOR collector in the world. My area of expertise is collecting DIET HUMOR, not publishing.

A big thanky, Daniel L. Worona

This is DIET HUMOR. Please so not take it personally. If you do... you need to LIGHTEN UP!! (Get it?) --Daniel Worona "Rara Avis"

This is not a "mean" DIET HUMOR Web site.

TO BELITTLE IS TO BE LITTLE.

LAUGHING IS GOOD EXERCISE. IT'S LIKE JOGGING ON THE INSIDE.

Question of the day: What was the best thing before sliced bread??

Little known fact about Daniel Worona (aka DAN DAN THE MUSCLE MAN), he was once a gym instructor.
I GOT A JOB IN A FITNESS-CENTER, BUT I HAD TO QUIT BECAUSE THEY SAID I WASN'T FIT FOR THE JOB.

BUILT FOR COMFORT, NOT FOR SPEED

WORD OF MOUTH: Please tell your friends about this DIET HUMOR / HUMOUR and DIET JOKE Web site.

REMEMBER: The longer it takes for me to find a publisher, the longer you will have to wait, and wait, and WEIGHT to enjoy entire collection of diet humor sayings, weight-loss humor and diet jokes.

I hope you are enjoying Daniel Worona's famous LAUGH IT OFF DIET. I will be adding DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKES from time to time, so please return often.

DIET HUMOR AND WELLNESS EXPERT DANIEL L. WORONA

Experience: Dan Worona "RARA AVIS" ("Rare Bird") is a diet guru and fitness expert. He is a retired physical education teacher. His parents were both "health nuts" and taught him well... wellness.

1. Kitchen sign: I ONLY HAVE A KITCHEN BECAUSE IT CAME WITH THE HOUSE.

2. DIET EXCUSES: Diet excuse number 4,829: I ONLY ATE THE CHOCOLATE CAKE BECAUSE IT WOULD BE RUDE TO MAKE HER EAT ALONE.
--Woriginal Daniel L. Worona

THANKSGIVING MUSES:

THANKSGIVING DIET WISHES

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES:
"HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE."

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

KEEP ON KEEPING ON... MORE HILARIOUS DIET, OBESITY & FAT JOKES AHEAD.

MY GUARANTEE: NO ONE IN THE WORLD CAN COME EVEN CLOSE TO DUPLICATING MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION!!!

IT CONTAINS OODLES OF DIET HUMOR SAYINGS AND DIET JOKES. NO ONE, MYSELF INCLUDED, CAN MATCH IT! IF I HAD TO START FROM SCRATCH TOMORROW, I COULD NOT DUPLICATE THIS INIMITABLE COLLETION. THIS COLLECTION INCLUDES THOUSAND'S OF ORIGINAL DIET HUMOR SAYINGS, DIET WORD PLAYS, AND DIET JOKES BY DANIEL WORONA. (Not to mention his humongous FOOD AND DRINK HUMOR collection.)

NINETY-NINE POINT FIVE PERCENT (99.5%) OF MY COLLECTION IS NOT FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!!

LITERARY AGENT WANTED: Please contact me via e-mail. PUBLISHER WANTED: I am seeking a major publisher to publish my unique collection. I want to share this DIET HUMOR collection with you.

PUBLISHERS:
Anybody can do what I do: collect DIET HUMOR, BUT NOBODY CAN DO WHAT I DO!!! (Meaning nobody, I repeat, nobody has the expertise, knowledge, savvy, insight, skills, creativity, or experience that I have in compiling and/or writing original DIET HUMOR.) Braggadocio? No. IT’S A FACT!!!

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

IF U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

Wisecrack reply sent to me: Sez hoo?

1. THE GOLFER'S DIET: STAY ON THE GREENS.

2. DIET FOOD AND NUTRITION QUESTION:
Q: WHICH SIDE OF A CHICKEN HAS THE MOST FEATHERS?
A: THE OUTSIDE, OF COURSE, SILLY!

3. Physical fitness instructor: Hey, Lazy Bones, haven't you heard of the PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM?
Couch potato: What channel is it on?
--Daniel Worona

4. OBESITY AND ANOREXIA IS A DYING WEIGH OF LIFE.
(Please eat and live a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.)
Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"
CHIEF OF THE DIET POLICE

5. THE ONLY KIND OF GIRLS WHO MODEL GIRDLES ARE THE ONES WHO DON'T NEED THEM.

FITNESS & EXERCISE JOKES

1. Q. What can you serve but never eat?

A. A volleyball.

2. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

3. My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

TRUE LIES: "CALORIE BURNING THOUGHTS " (TM)

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

Calorie-burning laughs is another way to burn up calories, and is a fun way.
--Daniel "WOR" Worona

CALORIE JOKES & CALORIE HUMOR JEST FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FAT WHEN:

1. Your 1000 calorie doesn't work because you thought that was your limit per hour.

2. You have your groceries delivered... by a dump truck.

3. You think 160 lbs. looks anorexic.

4. You consider going downstairs to make yourself a sandwich "moderate exercise.” 5. You look down and you don't see your toes.

6. Your weekly food log rivals War and Peace in length, and it's only Tuesday.

7. You alone exceed the weight limit on an elevator.

8. When you pause the exercise tape 90 seconds into the warm-up to have a Twinkie and a bowl of ice cream.

9. Fat jokes don't seem funny anymore.

Do you have a YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO FAT WHEN... to share???

Don't be a parasite. Parisites just get fatter and fatter until they explode!!! Share your diet humor.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

DOGGIE QUOTE: "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."

DIET RIDDLE:

Q: What do movie stars and models eat to stay so slim?

A: Nothing.

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

WORDS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR: (tm)

1. Boy, girl!!! You're about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
--Daniel L. Worona

2. No, you won't end up looking like the latest hot young model/singer/actress if you lose weight.

Would you like to add to this new WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR (tm) category?

Please e-mail your comments and wisecracks.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

Daniel Worona's Diet Soup Wisdom:

Q: WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDING A FLY IN YOUR SOUP?

A: FINDING A FLY IN MY SOUP.

Got to go, folks. I am going for a swim. I am going to dive into a box of chocolate chip cookies. (I'll be swimming in calories.) I need an infusion of calories.

Image of chubby boy: members.optusnet.com.au

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: If any of these diet humor sayings and/or images are in breach of copyright, I will willingly remove them and/or give proper credit.

NOTICE OF COPYRIGHT:
If you borrow from this DIET HUMOR / HUMOUR Web site, at least have the decency to give DANIEL L. WORONA his due credit. You may borrow up to a maximum of fifteen ten (15) sayings from Daniel L. Worona’s DIET HUMOR Web site for your Web site PROVIDED you attach an active link back to this Web site (danworona.50megs.com).

If you do not attach an active link back to Daniel Worona’s DIET HUMOR Web site, you will be considered "IN VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT." I didn't spend 60-plus years collecting this material so you can rip me off. Amen.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO:

DIET HUMOR WEBSITE: danworona.50megs.com

If for some reason my lifelong collection of DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKES is never published, it will probably end up in a trash can.

Who loses? Not me! YOU DO!!! BIG-TIME!!!

Why? Because I have had a ton of fun and a ton of laughs collecting it.

Do you want to enjoy my DIET HUMOR sayings collection?

You will when I am published!!!

SEEKING LITERARY AGENT AND PUBLISHER: Please e-mail me if you can help.

MY E-MAIL ADDRESS:
Yes, I will read your e-mail and diet jokes if you include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

LAUGH IT OFF DIET.

IT'S A FUNNY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT.

COPYRIGHT DANIEL L. WORONA "Rara Avis"

This is a 65-year plus collection and compilation of mucho many DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES.

IT IS A ONE-OF-A-KIND COLLECTION!

WORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA

PLEASE NOTE: My name is NOT Author Anonymous, nor AUTHOR UNKNOWN.

[Toodles, Poodles!]

Tom Swiftie: “May I say the prayer before Thanksgiving dinner?” Tom asked gracefully.

THIS IS A HOBBY DIET HUMOR WEBSITE.

YOU ARE SAFE. I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING.

My E-mail address is: dworona@yahoo.com

Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me.

PLEASE NOTE: My YAHOO E-MAIL ADDRESS is 100% SECURE.

The connection to the YAHOO server is encrypted.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

RE: E-MAILING DAN WORONA.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: My website E-mail link (50MEGS server) is broken.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

If you want to contact me, YOU WILL HAVE TO TYPE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IN MANUALLY. (or do a COPY & PASTE)

My E-mail address is: “dworona@yahoo.com” without the quotes.

FUNNY DIET EXCUSES

1. Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.

2. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

3. But the doughnut was calling my name.

4. The children over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.

5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 6. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

6. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.