DIET HUMOR

FUNNY DIET HUMOR:

EASTER DIET, HEALTH and FITNESS HUMOR:

PLUS-SIZE GIRL: To stay healthy this spring I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

STAY HEALTHY!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?

A: Hare-obics.

HEALTH HUMOR:

What proof is there that carrots are good for the eyes?

You don’t see rabbits wearing eyeglasses.

EASTER FITNESS HUMOR:

How does the Easter bunny stay healthy?

Eggercise.

THE PLUMP EASTER BUNNY IS HOPPING MAD:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Alma.

Alma who?

Alma Easter candy is gone.

Can I have some more?

HEALTH SECRET NUMERO UNO:

WILLIE NELSON, COUNTRY & WESTERN SINGER, 87 years old: He must have been reading my DIET HUMOR website because he knows one of my secrets to weight loss and longevity: BE ACTIVE!

In a WALL STREET JOURNAL (WSJ) interview Willie Nelson said: "If you want to live a long time, you have to take care of yourself.

YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE DAY, EVERY DAY.

IF YOU DON'T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT. You need to move every single day."

End of the Willie Nelson quote in the WALL STREET JOURNAL.

DIET HUMOR COLLECTION:

I HAVE CONTINUED TO ADD NEW DIET HUMOR THROUGH THE YEARS, AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO.

TAKE A LOOK AROUND.

THERE ARE MORE THAN 1,000 DIET JOKES ON THIS DIET HUMOR WEBSITE.

NUMBER ONE, SECOND TO NONE! [FOR A QUARTER OF A CENTURY!!!]

Thank you,

Diet coach and diet humorist: Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"

EASTER CANDY ALERT:

DEAR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE:

CHUBBY GIRL: Hippity, Hoppity, Flippity, Floppity...

That's what my butt does after eating all that Easter candy.

EASTER HUMOR:

CHUBBY WUBBY GIRL ADVICE: IT’S EASTER, SO REMEMBER:

“ITTY BITTY” CHOCOLATE EASTER EGGS DO NOT MAKE FOR AN “ITTY BITTY” BUTT.

FATTIES HUMOR WORDPLAY JOKE:

STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE!

Stand for what you believe in.

Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts.

It's a free country.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE PHILOSOPHERS:

For there was never yet a philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently.

--William Shakespeare

LAZY OVERWEIGHT COUCH POTATO: The closest thing I have to an exercise program is running after the ice cream truck.

HOORAY FOR ME!!! I now have thousands and thousands DIET HUMOR / HUMOUR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES and growing fatter each day.

It is a lifelong collection of 65-years plus compiled by DANIEL WORONA "Rara Avis" (RARE BIRD).

"LAUGH IT OFF" DIET.

(It's a funny way to lose weight.)

Dear Copycats: The phrase “LAUGH IT OFF” existed long before I was born 77 years ago, however, I (Daniel L. Worona) was the first one to use the phrase LAUGH IT OFF as a “DIET PUN” and a "DIET SLOGAN."

WEIGHT LOSS HUMOR AND PUNS:

ONE WHO INDULGES
BULGES.

HE WHO STUFFETH..
PUFFETH!

PRACTICE GIRTH CONTROL.

LOOSE LIPS
BROAD HIPS.

TOUGH COOKIES DON'T CRUMBLE

I REPEAT MYSELF WHEN I AM HUNGRY.
I REPEAT MYSELF WHEN I AM HUNGRY.

OBESITY IS REALLY WIDESPREAD.

I HAVE TO EXERCISE EARLY IN THE MORNING BEFORE MY BRAIN FIGURES OUT WHAT I AM DOING.

Weight-loss advice to an obese patient: "LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE...JUST EAT THE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE."

-Woriginal original by Daniel L. Worona

(PLEASE NOTE: My name is not Author Anonymous.)

HEALTH HUMOR:

Cigarettes are like squirrels: They are perfectly harmless, unless you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

COFFEE MUG HUMOR:

I WISH EVERYTHING WAS AS EASY AS GETTING FAT.

WHATCHA SEES... IS WHATCHA GETS:

I'VE BEEN GOODER. I'VE BEEN BADDER.

MANY TIMES THINNER, LOTSA TIMES FATTER.

THERE'S STUFF I REMEMBER AND STUFF I FORGET.

BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ME AND WHATCHA SEES IS WHATCHA GETS.

Zen to Zany greeting card.

CHUBBY WUBBY DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKE:

KEEP ON THE SUNNY SIDE, DIETERS. KEEP YOUR CHINS UP.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I’ve gained thirty pounds over the holidays, my boyfriend dumped me, my dog ran away, I lost my smart phone, my car was totaled, and I nearly got run over. I’m just PEACHY KEEN! she replied.

SUGAR SLANG:

HEAVY SUGAR: 1929 slang for: a lot of money.

CALORIES JOKE:

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

FAT INSULT:

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!

SELF-DELUSION HUMOR:

Sometimes I go into the fitting room with jeans three sizes too big so I can feel what it's like to succeed at a diet.

THIS HAS BEEN THE NUMBER ONE DIET HUMOR WEBSITE FOR A QUARTER-CENTURY.

YOU CAN VERIFY THIS WITH ANY MAJOR SEARCH ENGINE THAT IS HONEST:

BING.COM. YAHOO.COM and DUCKDUCKGO.COM.

SEARCH: DIET HUMOR.

FUNNY DIET HUMOR & FUNNY DIET JOKES Compiled by Dan Worona "RARA AVIS." ("RARE BIRD")

BEST SELLER DIET BOOK:

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

by X. R. SIZEMORE

SELF-IMPROVEMENT:

BEST WEIGHT TO LOSE:

The best weight you'll ever lose is the weight of other people's opinions.

HINK PINK:

Q: WHAT IS A 50% GIGGLE?

ANSWER: A HALF LAUGH.

MIRRORS NEVER LIE...LUCKY FOR YOU THEY DON'T LAUGH EITHER.

DIETER'S PRAYER

AS I WAKE UP FROM MY SLEEP
I PRAY MY DIET I MAY KEEP
BUT IF TEMPTATION MAKES ME SLIP,
I PRAY THE LORD MY PANTS WON'T RIP.

FUNNY COOKING APRON SAYINGS Compiled by Dan Worona "RARA AVIS"

1. It's called DIET because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

2. I'M NOT AGING, I'M MARINATING.

3. I'D TELL YOU THE RECIPE, BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.

4. BURNT TO PERFECTION.

5. I BREATHE... THEREFORE I EAT!

6. SO MUCH TO DO, AND SO FEW PEOPLE TO DO IT FOR ME.

7. DAD BBQ'ing. PLEASE STAND BACK 500 FEET!!!

8. I GO STIR CRAZY WITH MY WOK.

9. HAVE GRILL,
WILL THRILL.

10. LICENSED TO GRILL.

11. WHEN IN DOUBT, SMOTHER IT IN CHOCOLATE.

1. FRIEND, DO YOU SUFFER FROM AN OVERACTIVE FORK? DON'T WEIGHT! DIET NOW!

--Daniel Worona

2. SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
I'M AFRAID OF WIDTHS.

3. BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST,
FOR THEY ARE STICKING TO THEIR DIETS.

4. There was an overweight couple, Big Daddy and Big Mama; they tried every miracle fat-burning product on the market. None of them worked. They tried the latest miracle fat-burning product: ZIPPO-LIPO-QUICKO. It did not work either.

They should try: ZIPPA-DA-LIPPA!

(Copyright: Daniel L. Worona)

5. DIETING: BREAKING THE POUND BARRIER.

6. MY BODY IS A TEMPLE, WITH AMPLE PARKING IN THE REAR.

PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DIET HUMOR SITE: DANWORONA.50MEGS.COM
(Please write it down, and remember, all lowercase letters.)

REMEMBER: The longer it takes for me to find a major publisher, the longer you will have to wait, and wait, and WEIGHT to enjoy my collection of umpteen thousands of DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES.

This is a 65-year plus collection.

Why do I need a literary agent and a publisher?: Because... I COULDN'T SELL A LIFEBOAT ON THE TITANIC, however, I am the foremost DIET HUMOR collector in the world. My area of expertise is collecting DIET HUMOR, not publishing.

1. THE WEIGH TO GO?
TO LOSE WEIGHT FAST... FAST.

WORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA

2. THE MOST FATTENING THING YOU CAN PUT IN AN APPLE PIE IS A SPOON.

3. AN APPLE PIE WITHOUT SOME CHEESE IS LIKE A KISS WITHOUT A SQUEEZE.

4. WHEN YOU DIET

PLEASE BE QUIET.

5. TASTE MAKES WAIST.

6. Scientists have discovered that leaving clothes in dark closets over a long period of time causes shrinkage. Women on diets already knew that!!!

7. THERE IS NOTHING LIGHT ABOUT CELLULITE.

8. NO DIET IS IMPOSSIBLE, HOPELESS MAYBE, BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

9. TOO MANY SQUARE MEALS MAKE ROUND PEOPLE.

10. MY NEW DIET GOAL: TO WEIGH WHAT MY DRIVERS LICENSE SAYS.

11. WHEN DIETING, WON'T POWER IS BETTER THAN WILLPOWER.

12. A MIDDLE AGE SPREAD IS THE RESULT OF TOO MANY NIGHTS 'ROUND THE TABLE.

13. WHEN YOU CHEAT ON YOUR DIET, YOU GAIN IN THE "END."

14. DON'T WAIL ON THE SCALE IF YOU CHEAT WHEN YOU EAT.

15. EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY, FOR TOMORROW WE DIET.

Do you know that the majority of my diet humor collection is not found on the Internet?

EXAMPLE: Here is my word play definition of hunger.
HUNGER: AN EMPTY FEELING.

Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona

The obesity epidemic: OBESITY IS A GROWING PROBLEM.
--Daniel L. Worona

OVEREATING HAS HEAVY CONSEQUENCES.
-Woriginal Daniel Worona

OBESITY DITTY:

OVEREATERS WILL EVENTUALLY PAY A HEAVY PRICE.

WORIGINAL DANIEL WORONA

TOP SECRET:

DO NOT READ THIS!!!

I HAVE A "GOLD MINE" OF DIET HUMOR AND DIET JOKES, HOWEVER, THIS COLLECTION WILL REMAIN "BURIED" UNTIL IT IS PROPERLY PUBLISHED IN BOOK FORM.

DANIEL WORONA'S GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS TIPS:

(Have I ever lied to you before?)

1. GO LIVE ON THE MOON. YOU WILL WEIGH ABOUT A SIXTH OF WHAT YOU WEIGH ON EARTH. THIS IS BECAUSE EARTH'S GRAVITY IS SIX TIMES STRONGER THAN THE MOON.

2. IF YOU WEIGH YOURSELF ON THE EQUATOR, YOU WILL WEIGH LESS THAN AT THE NORTH POLE. THIS IS BECAUSE THE EQUATOR IS FARTHER FROM THE EARTH'S CENTER, AND THE PULL OF GRAVITY IS LESS.

DIET ADVICE FROM DIET GURU DANIEL L. WORONA:

RUN TEN MILES A DAY. (Of course, my horse, if you can run ten miles a day, you are probably not overweight. A "Catch 22.")

See following web pages for more delicious diet humor. Diet humor will be added from time to time.

Please return often to enjoy my LAUGH IT OFF DIET.

DIET HUMOUR

1. WHAT IS THE BEST DIET EXERCISE FOR LOSING WEIGHT?

EXERCISE A LITTLE SELF-CONTROL.

-Woriginal by Dan Worona

2. Daniel Worona diet advice: DON'T EAT EVERYTHING YOU LIKE, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING YOU EAT. --A Dan Woriginal

3. Diet tip: Drinking four glasses of water before every meal will help you lose weight, because you'll burn up a lot of calories running to the bathroom.

4. DIETING IS THE PENALTY FOR EXCEEDING THE FEED LIMIT.

5. DIET JOKE: WHAT WOMEN WANT: DINNER OUT.
WHAT WOMEN GET: DINNER OUT OF A BOX.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIA BEATS DINING ALONE.

7. REDUCING IS WISHFUL SHRINKING.

8. FAT IS ENERGY GONE TO WAIST.

9. CELERY IS A FORM OF EXERCISE.

10. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING THIN FEELS.

11. LET YOUR CONTOUR BE YOUR GUIDE.

12. DIETING: IT'S HARD BY THE YARD, BUT BY THE INCH IT'S A CINCH.

13. DON'T TAKE FAT CHANCES, ONLY SLIM ONES.

14. TO DIET IS TO "NO" THYSELF.

15. YOU'RE NOT OVERWEIGHT,
YOU'RE UNDERTALL.

I have ZERO influence in the news media. I have even LESS influence with the publishing industry. I do not have a friend in the entire world to help me get published, EXCEPT YOU. Later on in this Web site you will find my famous DIET HUMOR E-MAIL DIET. Please send it to all your friends.

Thank you,
Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis." (a.k.a. PAUNCHO GORDO)
PAUNCHO GORDO is my Mexican alias.

My DIET HUMOR Web site is still currently #1 on Google, Yahoo, and AOL, among others, thanks to nice peole like you.

(The sooner there is a demand for my DIET HUMOR to be published, the sooner you will enjoy all of my thousands and thousands of DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES.)

OBJECTIVE: I want to publish my inimitable collection so that everyone may enjoy it.
(That means Y-O-U!!!)

I am seeking a literary agent and a major publisher who will do justice to my DIET HUMOR, DIET LAUGHS and DIET JOKES collection.

I thank you,

DIET HUMORIST, DIET GURU, FITNESS, OBESITY AND WELLNESS EXPERT DANIEL L. WORONA

Experience: Daniel Worona "RARA AVIS" ("Rare Bird") is a diet guru, obesity and fitness expert. He is a retired physical education teacher and personal trainer (They didn't call him DAN DAN THE MUSCLE MAN for nothing). He has been "well taught." His parents were both "health nuts" and taught him well... wellness. Needless to say, he is a published author, wordsmith, linguist and diet humorist.

Thank you,

Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" (danworona.50megs.com)
a.k.a. Dock Daniel L. Worona M.D. (MASTER OF DISASTER)

a.k.a. Pauncho Gordo (Mexico), a.k.a. Pauncho Panzoni (Italy)

DIET DITTIES:

1. If you can take a diet to some length, it will change your width.

2. I HAVE BEEN ON A DIET FOR TWO WEEKS.
SO FAR I HAVE LOST FOURTEEN DAYS.

3. I'M NOT FAT! I'M FLUFFY.

4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

5. THOSE WHO FUDGE, PUDGE. --Dan Worona

6. After noticing how slim and trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.

DIET PRAYER by diet specialist Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"

Dear God,

So far, so good. I've done very well today, and have been on my best behavior. I haven't eaten any junk food, haven't eaten any candy or sweets, haven't raided the refrigerator, and haven't sat around munching and watching TV. I'm really thrilled about that!

But in a few moments, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help with my diet.

Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

--Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona “Rara Avis”

THE PICTURE DIET

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a cheesecake picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

A DIET PRAYER

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain!
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated.

And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
Cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won.

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe -- size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.

Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
and of pasta a la Milanese...
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

Amen

Q: WHY DOES A CHICKEN COOP ONLY HAVE TWO DOORS?
A: BECAUSE IF IT HAD FOUR IT WOULD BE A SEDAN.
(Okay, so it isn't exactly a diet joke, but you just laughed off a calorie or two.)

FUNNY BOOK TITLES:

1. EATING DISORDERS by ANNA REXIA

2. HOW TO GAIN WEIGHT by ELLIE FUNT

3. ITALIAN FOOD by PEPE RONI

4. MEAT EATERS by CARNEY VORE

5. LOW-FAT HOG RECIPES by LENA BACON

6. CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS by ROLAND BUTTER

DIET BOOKS:

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT
by X. R. Sizemore

LOSE WEIGHT NOW
by Y. B. Phatt

LOSE WEIGHT NOW (WHY WEIGHT?)
by Daniel L. Worona

DIET QUIPS AND QUOTES

You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice.
--Gwen Owen

A DIET LIMERICK

Failing diets, the youth was obese
But his mother was chief of police.
She put him in jail,
Saying, "Here is a scale.
Losing fifty will win your release."

Mary E. Moore

OBESITY JOKE: Obesity has now been linked to the number of hours you watch TV. And all this time I thought it had something to do with food.

COPYRIGHT Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"
(Online since: June 7, 1999.)

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

(This is a sixty-year plus collection, a large portion of which has never been published. IT IS A ONE-OF-A-KIND COLLECTION!)

No one can even come close to duplicating Daniel L. Worona’s 65-year plus PEERLESS DIET HUMOR collection.

The world's fattest collection of DIET HUMOR sayings and growing fatter every day.

It is a ONE-OF-A-KIND COLLECTION!!!

NOTICE OF COPYRIGHT:

If you borrow from this DIET HUMOR Web site, at least have the decency to give DANIEL L. WORONA his due credit.

LEGAL NOTICE:

NOTE: Any material and/or DIET HUMOR / HUMOUR by Daniel L. Worona that you borrow from this website (danworona.50megs.com) may only be used for "NON-COMMERCIAL" purposes.

Thank you very much,

Daniel L. Worona

Daniel "WOR" Worona, diet humorist, diet guru, anti-obesity activist, obesity and fitness expert, wishes you a HEALTHIER and WELL-THIER you!!!

Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"

LAUGH IT OFF DIET.

IT'S A FUNNY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT.

The world's #1 DIET HUMOR Website for a quarter of a century: danworona.50megs.com.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME:

PLEASE ADD A HOT (ACTIVE) LINK TO MY DIET HUMOR WEBSITE ON YOUR BLOG, WEBSITE, or SOCIAL MEDIA.

THANK YOU!

DAN WORONA

YOU ARE SO SMART! YOU CHECKED THE BOTTOM OF THIS DIET HUMOR WEBPAGE.

HERE IS YOUR REWARD:

YOGA JOKE:

Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now, I bite my toenails.

CROSS-FIT JOKE:

Q: Why do cross-fit gyms have chalk?

A: So you can mark where the bodies fall.

THE CHUBBER GIRL WORKOUT:

CHUBBY GIRL: I love doing crunches: Doritos, popcorn, pretzels...

RUNNER JOKE:

COACH DANNY BOY, ON BOY!: Do you run?

LAZY FAT BOY: Yes! I ran twice today! First, I ran out to get beer and tacos, then I had to run to the restroom.

MARATHON JOKE:

EXTREMELY OVERWEIGHT MAN: I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.

PLEASE RETURN TO MY "NUMBER ONE" DIET HUMOR WEBSITE OFTEN FOR MORE SURPRISES!

[Fare-thee-well, ya big gazelle.]

DIET RIOT:

I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.

DIET JOKES compiled by DAN WORONA.

I APOLOGIZE IF THESE JOKES MADE YOU HUNGRY.

DANIEL L. WORONA "RARA AVIS" (RARE BIRD)

PLEASE NOTE: My YAHOO E-MAIL ADDRESS is 100% SECURE.

The connection to the server is encrypted.

My E-mail address is: dworona@yahoo.com

Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

+++++

MY E-MAIL ADDRESS:

Yes, I will read your e-mail and diet jokes if you include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Do not include any attachments. That is a big NO-NO!

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

RE: E-MAILING DAN WORONA.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: My website E-mail link (50MEGS server) is broken.

Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com.

If you want to contact me, YOU WILL HAVE TO TYPE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IN MANUALLY. (or, do a COPY & PASTE)

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME:

PLEASE ADD A HOT (ACTIVE) LINK TO MY DIET HUMOR WEBSITE ON YOUR BLOG, WEBSITE, or SOCIAL MEDIA.

THANK YOU!

DAN WORONA