DIET HUMOR

HOORAY FOR ME!!! I now have over 100,000 DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES and growing fatter each day: a collection of 50-years plus compiled by DANIEL WORONA "Rara Avis" (RARE BIRD).

Plus-plus thousand's of ORIGINAL diet humor sayings, diet ditties, diet jokes and quotes by Daniel L. Worona "RaraAvis" (RARE BIRD).

You are enjoying Daniel Worona's #1, world-famous nonsuch diet humor collection.
"LAUGH IT OFF" DIET. (It's a funny way to lose weight.)

COPYRIGHT 1949-2009 Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" (I made up my first diet / chocolate joke when I was only 5 years old.)

(Online since: June 7, 1999.)

Dear Copycats: The phrase “LAUGH IT OFF” existed long before I was born (1944), however, I (Daniel L. Worona) was the first one to use the phrase LAUGH IT OFF as a “DIET PUN” and a "DIET SLOGAN." I don’t care if you spell it: “LAUGH IT OFF!” or “LAUGH-IT-OFF”, or if you spell it upside down and backwards!!!
WEIGHT LOSS HUMOR
ONE WHO INDULGES
BULGES.

HE WHO STUFFETH..
PUFFETH!

PRACTICE GIRTH CONTROL

LOOSE LIPS
BROAD HIPS

TOUGH COOKIES DON'T CRUMBLE

I REPEAT MYSELF WHEN I AM HUNGRY.
I REPEAT MYSELF WHEN I AM HUNGRY.

OBESITY IS REALLY WIDESPREAD.

I HAVE TO EXERCISE EARLY IN THE MORNING BEFORE MY BRAIN FIGURES OUT WHAT I AM DOING.

Weight-loss advice to an obese patient: "LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE...JUST EAT THE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE."
--Dan Worona

Compiled by Dan Worona "RARA AVIS." ("RARE BIRD")

Do you have a DIET JOKE TO SHARE?
Contact me at: dworona@yahoo.com
If this “HOT” (active) link does not work for you, please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me.

Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

Best seller!!!: HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT by X. R. SIZEMORE

MIRRORS NEVER LIE...LUCKY FOR YOU THEY DON'T LAUGH EITHER.

DIETER'S PRAYER

AS I WAKE UP FROM MY SLEEP
I PRAY MY DIET I MAY KEEP
BUT IF TEMPTATION MAKES ME SLIP,
I PRAY THE LORD MY PANTS WON'T RIP.

FUNNY COOKING APRON SAYINGS Compiled by Dan Worona "RARA AVIS"

1. It's called DIET because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

2. I'M NOT AGING, I'M MARINATING.

3. I'D TELL YOU THE RECIPE, BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.

4. BURNT TO PERFECTION.

5. I BREATHE... THEREFORE I EAT!

6. SO MUCH TO DO, AND SO FEW PEOPLE TO DO IT FOR ME.

7. DAD BBQ'ing. PLEASE STAND BACK 500 FEET!!!

8. I GO STIR CRAZY WITH MY WOK.

9. HAVE GRILL,
WILL THRILL.

10. LICENSED TO GRILL.

11. WHEN IN DOUBT, SMOTHER IT IN CHOCOLATE.

1. FRIEND, DO YOU SUFFER FROM AN OVERACTIVE FORK? DON'T WEIGHT! DIET NOW!
--Daniel Worona

2. SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
I'M AFRAID OF WIDTHS.

3. BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST,
FOR THEY ARE STICKING TO THEIR DIETS.

4. There was an overweight couple, Big Daddy and Big Mama; they tried every miracle fat-burning product on the market. None of them worked. They tried the latest miracle fat-burning product: ZIPPO-LIPO-QUICKO. It did not work either.
They should try: ZIPPA-DA-LIPPA!
(Copyright: Daniel L. Worona)
5. DIETING: BREAKING THE POUND BARRIER.
6. MY BODY IS A TEMPLE, WITH AMPLE PARKING IN THE REAR.

PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DIET HUMOR SITE: DANWORONA.50MEGS.COM (Please write it down, and remember, all lowercase letters.)
REMEMBER: The longer it takes for me to find a major publisher, the longer you will have to wait, and wait, and WEIGHT to enjoy all 98,000 plus DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES (FAST APPROACHING 100,000!!!): a 50-year plus collection.

The only way I will find a publisher is via WORD OF MOUTH. (Please tell your friends about this DIET HUMOR website.)
CAN YOU HELP ME GET PUBLISHED, OR OFFER A SUGGESTION? IF SO, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.
Why do I need a publisher?: Because... I COULDN'T SELL A LIFEBOAT ON THE TITANIC, however, I am the foremost DIET HUMOR collector in the world. My area of expertise is collecting DIET HUMOR, not publishing.

1. THE WEIGH TO GO?
TO LOSE WEIGHT FAST...FAST. --Dan Worona
2. THE MOST FATTENING THING YOU CAN PUT IN AN APPLE PIE IS A SPOON.
3. AN APPLE PIE WITHOUT SOME CHEESE IS LIKE A KISS WITHOUT A SQUEEZE.
4. WHEN YOU DIET
PLEASE BE QUIET.
5. TASTE MAKES WAIST.
6. Scientists have discovered that leaving clothes in dark closets over a long period of time causes shrinkage. Women on diets already knew that!!!
7. THERE IS NOTHING LIGHT ABOUT CELLULITE.
8. NO DIET IS IMPOSSIBLE, HOPELESS MAYBE, BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
9. TOO MANY SQUARE MEALS MAKE ROUND PEOPLE.
10. MY NEW DIET GOAL: TO WEIGH WHAT MY DRIVERS LICENSE SAYS.
11. WHEN DIETING, WON'T POWER IS BETTER THAN WILLPOWER.
12. A MIDDLE AGE SPREAD IS THE RESULT OF TOO MANY NIGHTS 'ROUND THE TABLE.
13. WHEN YOU CHEAT ON YOUR DIET, YOU GAIN IN THE "END."
14. DON'T WAIL ON THE SCALE IF YOU CHEAT WHEN YOU EAT.
15. EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY, FOR TOMORROW WE DIET.
DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY-NINE POINT FIVE PERCENT (99.5%) OF MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION IS NOT FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!!
IT INCLUDES THOUSAND'S OF ORIGINAL DIET HUMOR SAYINGS, DIET JOKES, DIET CARTOONS, DIET LIMERICKS AND DIET WORD PLAYS BY DANIEL L. WORONA.
EXAMPLE: Here is my word play definition of hunger.
HUNGER: AN EMPTY FEELING.
Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona
The obesity epidemic: OBESITY IS A GROWING PROBLEM.
--Daniel L. Worona
OVEREATING HAS HEAVY CONSEQUENCES.
--Daniel Worona
I HAVE A "GOLD MINE" OF DIET HUMOR AND DIET JOKES, HOWEVER, THIS COLLECTION WILL REMAIN "BURIED" UNTIL IT IS PROPERLY PUBLISHED IN BOOK FORM.
CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A MAJOR PUBLISHER (AND/OR A LITERARY AGENT), OR OFFER A SUGGESTION? IF SO, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.A BIG THANKY, Daniel Worona
DANIEL WORONA'S GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS TIPS:
(Have I ever lied to you before?)
1. GO LIVE ON THE MOON. YOU WILL WEIGH ABOUT A SIXTH OF WHAT YOU WEIGH ON EARTH. THIS IS BECAUSE EARTH'S GRAVITY IS SIX TIMES STRONGER THAN THE MOON.
2. IF YOU WEIGH YOURSELF ON THE EQUATOR, YOU WILL WEIGH LESS THAN AT THE NORTH POLE. THIS IS BECAUSE THE EQUATOR IS FARTHER FROM THE EARTH'S CENTER, AND THE PULL OF GRAVITY IS LESS.
DIET ADVICE FROM DIET GURU DANIEL L. WORONA:
RUN TEN MILES A DAY. (Of course, my horse, if you can run ten miles a day, you are probably not overweight. A "Catch 22.")

More than 100,000 DIET HUMOR SAYINGS, DIET QUOTES and DIET JOKES, a 50-year plus collection compiled by Dan Worona "RARA AVIS" Much of this collection has never been published. All rights reserved.

See following web pages for more delicious diet humor. Diet humor will be added from time to time.

Please return often to enjoy my LAUGH IT OFF DIET.

Publishers, magazines and newspapers, please contact me for the inside scoop. dworona@yahoo.com

Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread.

1. WHAT IS THE BEST DIET EXERCISE FOR LOSING WEIGHT? EXERCISE A LITTLE SELF-CONTROL. --Dan Worona

2. Daniel Worona diet advice: DON'T EAT EVERYTHING YOU LIKE, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING YOU EAT. --A Dan Woriginal

3. Diet tip: Drinking four glasses of water before every meal will help you lose weight, because you'll burn up a lot of calories running to the bathroom.

4. DIETING IS THE PENALTY FOR EXCEEDING THE FEED LIMIT.

5. DIET JOKE: WHAT WOMEN WANT: DINNER OUT.
WHAT WOMEN GET: DINNER OUT OF A BOX.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIA BEATS DINING ALONE.

7. REDUCING IS WISHFUL SHRINKING.

8. FAT IS ENERGY GONE TO WAIST.

9. CELERY IS A FORM OF EXERCISE.

10. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING THIN FEELS.

11. LET YOUR CONTOUR BE YOUR GUIDE.

12. DIETING: IT'S HARD BY THE YARD, BUT BY THE INCH IT'S A CINCH.

13. DON'T TAKE FAT CHANCES, ONLY SLIM ONES.

14. TO DIET IS TO "NO" THYSELF.

15. YOU'RE NOT OVERWEIGHT,
YOU'RE UNDERTALL.

I have ZERO influence in the news media. I have even LESS influence with the publishing industry. I do not have a friend in the entire world to help me get published, EXCEPT YOU. Later on in this Web site you will find my famous DIET HUMOR E-MAIL DIET. Please send it to all your friends.

Thank you,
Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis." (a.k.a. PAUNCHO GORDO)
PAUNCHO GORDO is my Mexican alias.
COPYRIGHT 1960-2009: Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis."
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

My DIET HUMOR Web site is currently #1 on Google, Yahoo, and AOL, among others, thanks to nice peole like you.

(The sooner there is a demand for my DIET HUMOR to be published, the sooner you will enjoy all 90,000 plus DIET HUMOR SAYINGS and DIET JOKES.)

Thank you,

Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" (danworona.50megs.com)
a.k.a. Dock Daniel L. Worona M.D. (MASTER OF DISASTER)

a.k.a. Pauncho Gordo (Mexico), a.k.a. Pauncho Panzoni (Italy)

E-MAIL: You may contact me at: dworona@yahoo.com
(Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail.)

If any of the active ("HOT") e-mail links do not work, please use your regular e-mail service.

1. If you can take a diet to some length, it will change your width.

2. I HAVE BEEN ON A DIET FOR TWO WEEKS.
SO FAR I HAVE LOST FOURTEEN DAYS.

3. I'M NOT FAT! I'M FLUFFY.

4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

5. THOSE WHO FUDGE, PUDGE. --Dan Worona

6. After noticing how slim and trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.

DIET PRAYER by Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis"

Dear God,
So far, so good. I've done very well today, and have been on my best behavior. I haven't eaten any junk food, haven't eaten any candy or sweets, haven't raided the refrigerator, and haven't sat around munching and watching TV. I'm really thrilled about that!

But in a few moments, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help with my diet.

Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

--Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona “Rara Avis”
THE PICTURE DIET

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a cheesecake picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

A DIET PRAYER

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain!
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated.

And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
Cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won.

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe -- size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.

Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
and of pasta a la Milanese...
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

Amen

Q: WHY DOES A CHICKEN COOP ONLY HAVE TWO DOORS?
A: BECAUSE IF IT HAD FOUR IT WOULD BE A SEDAN.
(Okay, so it isn't exactly a diet joke, but you just laughed off a calorie or two.)

FUNNY BOOK TITLES:

1. EATING DISORDERS by ANNA REXIA

2. HOW TO GAIN WEIGHT by ELLIE FUNT

3. ITALIAN FOOD by PEPE RONI

4. MEAT EATERS by CARNEY VORE

5. LOW-FAT HOG RECIPES by LENA BACON

6. CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS by ROLAND BUTTER

DIET BOOKS:

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT
by X. R. Sizemore

LOSE WEIGHT NOW
by Y. B. Phatt

LOSE WEIGHT NOW (WHY WEIGHT?)
by Daniel L. Worona

DIET QUIPS AND QUOTES

You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice.
--Gwen Owen

A DIET LIMERICK

Failing diets, the youth was obese
But his mother was chief of police.
She put him in jail,
Saying, "Here is a scale.
Losing fifty will win your release."

Mary E. Moore

OBESITY JOKE: Obesity has now been linked to the number of hours you watch TV. And all this time I thought it had something to do with food.

COPYRIGHT 1949-2009 Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" (I made up my first diet / chocolate joke when I was only 5 years old.)

(Online since: June 7, 1999.)
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
(This is a fifty-year plus collection, a large portion of which has never been published. IT IS A ONE-OF-A-KIND COLLECTION!)

Please note: NINETY-NINE POINT FIVE PERCENT (99.5%) OF DANIEL L. WORONA’S DIET HUMOR COLLECTION IS NOT FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!!

No one can even come close to duplicating Daniel L. Worona’s 50-year plus DIET HUMOR collection.

More than 100,000 DIET HUMOR sayings and growing fatter every day.

It is a ONE-OF-A-KIND COLLECTION!!!

NOTICE OF COPYRIGHT:
If you borrow from this DIET HUMOR Web site, at least have the decency to give DANIEL L. WORONA his due credit.

You may borrow up to a maximum of fifteen (15) sayings from Daniel L. Worona’s DIET HUMOR Web site for your Web site PROVIDED you attach an active link back to this Web site: (danworona.50megs.com).

WARNING: If you steal Daniel Worona's DIET HUMOR material, you will be hexed with a BIG, FAT CURSE!!! (I am tired of getting RIPPED OFF!!!)