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WHATEVER! A short story by DANIEL L. WORONA WHATEVER! THE END. That's it folks! (A one word short story.) That is the whole webpage. You can stop reading. Stop reading now! I insist! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! You're still there? Great! Because from this point onward you are not allowed to blame me for anything. CAPICHE? You obviously don't care what I think or say. WHATEVER! C'est la vie. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK. You've been warned. WHATEVER! Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don't even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument. Hey! Guess what? I just found someone more idiotic than me. I'm serious! GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR. HA! HA! HA! You fell for it just like I did. JOIN THE "BRAINY FOOLS CLUB!" NONE OF YOU ARE AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. CONTRARY PROVERBS AND SAYINGS [ANYTHING CAN BE TWISTED: PRO or CON.] That's a lie. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY, BUT KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT SOMETIMES IS EVEN BETTER. FREE DIET JOKE: DIET AND FAT HUMOR: Q: What is the world's most popular wine? A: I don't like brussels sprouts. OBESITY MUSE: FAT MAN SAYS: My body is not a temple. It's a garbage disposal with legs. WORIGINAL DANIEL L. WORONA FAT SUPERHEROES: FAT MOMMA: Her catch phrase was: "Saving the world, one doughnut at a time! COUCH POTATO JOKE: Q: What kind of exercise is perfect for lazy people? A: Diddly squats. BRITISH JOKE about FAT AMERICANS: AMERICA'S GOT TALENT. What's that? An eating contest? NEXT JOKE WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW. BAR SIGN: FREE BEER! (tomorrow) DIET DITTY: OVERWIGHT WOMAN SAYS: "I always start my diet on the same day... TOMORROW! SONG BY CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: TOMORROW NEVER COMES. TOMORROW: the greatest labor-saving devive. RACE BEFOR MEALS PRAYER: Our Heavenly Father, we thank you for this food, and we humbly request that You perform a miracle and remove the calories from the dessert. Amen. SHAPELY GIRL JOKE: She has an hourglass figure, and she certainly makes every second count. LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST: MEANING: TO GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE, be grateful for what you have, and LIVE! HEALTH ALERT by DANIEL L. WORONA WATCHOUT! The obesity epidemic is spreading. DEAR FAT PEOPLE: I am not insulting you! I am describing you. ZIP THE LIP!!! A moment on the lips, forever on the hips! CALORIES SCHMALORIES Calories In = Calories Out! DIET SAYING: ALL TOGETHER NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME: Touch your toes, and touch your toes, AND WISH YOU SKIPPED THOSE OREO’S.” REMEMBER GIRLS.... If you don’t watch your figure, no one else will either. DIET TIP: Remember who holds the fork. OLD AGE JOKE: I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. DIET PUN: Q: What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A: A waist of time. DIET SLOGAN: Know the real deal about your meal. INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE: Good things come to those who wait… greater things come to those who get off their ass and do anything to make it happen. --Unknown DIETER JOKE:
JEST FOR ALL YOU WACKOS: Parsely, Is gharsely. --Ogden Nash YOGA JOKE & CHOCOLATE CAKE HUMOR: Q: What do Yoga meditation and a chocolate cake have in common? A: They each bring you a piece or peace of heaven. STAR WARS JOKE: What is a Jedis favorite Italian dessert? Obi wan Cannoli. STAR WARS JOKE: Luke: What’s for dinner tonight, Dad? Anakin: Wookiee steak. Luke: Is it any good? Anakin: It’s a little chewy. LADY FINGERS JOKE: What’s a cannibal’s favorite dessert? Lady fingers. FAT DEMONS JOKE: What do fat demons hate? Exorcise. HISTORY QUOTES: [HEY! HOW DID THESE GET IN HERE?] After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, you begin to worry about history. History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
Q: Why didn't Dracula have any friends? A: Because he was a pain in the neck.
LIFE HUMOR: MIND YOUR OWN BISCUITS AND LIFE WILL BE GRAVY.
SHORT FUNNY DIET JOKE: It is better to have peace of mind than a piece of cake. SKINNY HUMOR: She is so thin it takes two of her to make a shadow.. MIDDLE AGE JOKE: Maybe they call it middle age because that is where it shows first. WEIGHT LOSS TIP: When eating donuts... Only eat the center part. CHOCOLATE THERAPY HUMOR: THINK ABOUT IT! Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who actually do. YOGA JOKE: Q: Why was the chubby woman angry after her yoga class? A: She was bent out of shape. LIFE HUMOR: LIFE IS A MERRY-GO-ROUND... Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, and sometimes you just go round and round. LIFE IS SHORT... You never know what you have until... you clean your room. KIDS FOOD RIDDLE: Q: What does the Invisible Man drink at snack time? A: Evaporated milk. FAT KID JOKE: FAT KID SAYS: I eat from the four major food groups: McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts, Ihop, and Pizza Hut. Woriginal original DANIEL L. WORONA
A CRYPTIC MESSAGE FROM DANIEL L. WORONA TO MY WEBSITE VISITORS: YOU DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD I? WHATEVER! YOU KNOW YOU'RE FAT WHEN... You know you're fat when... The scales don't go up to the weight you weigh. You know the true meaning of the word plus-size. DIABETES JOKE: You’re so fat that when vampires sucked your blood they got diabetes. HEALTH HUMOR (ACTUALLY IT IS A HEALTH WARNING... BUT, WHATEVER!): You know you're fat when... You can't see your feet without sitting down. WALKIE-TALKIE JOKES: If the person who named walkie talkies named everything: Forks would be Stabby Grabby. Knives would be Slicey Diceys. Spoons would be Soupy Scoopies. Microwaves would be Heatie eaties.
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HERE ARE A FEW DIET JOKES FOR ALL OF YOU OLDER DIETERS SUFFERING FROM "OLD TIMERS": AM I REPEATING MYSELF? I DON'T REMEMBER. FUNNY CELLULITE T-SHIRT SAYING ON A CUTE FATTIE: It’s not cellulite, it’s my body’s way of saying: “I’M SEXY!” in braille. THE DR. DOLITTLE DIET: Did you hear about the Dr. Dolittle Diet? You talk to food instead of eating it. D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That? D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today? D.I.E.T. = Don't Indulge Every Time. THE MAYBE BABY DIET: MAYBE BABY SAYS: "I'm gonna lose weight! I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it." "Is that cake?" DIET DROPOUT JOKE: Stop telling me about your diet. Just shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad. THAT DOGGONE DIET: If your dog is too fat, then you are not getting enough exercise. THE LOW FAT DIET JOKE: A: The fat hangs lower every day. THE NAKE TRUTH: I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too. DIET RIDDLE: Q: What should you never put in an ice cream sundae? A: A spoon. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS: PLEASE HELP ME: I have spent over a half-century collecting DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES, not to mention thousands of original diet humor by moi, Daniel L. Worona CAN YOU HELP ME? The least you can do to help me is spread the word about my DIET HUMOR WEBSITE to you friends. DANIEL L. WORONA
THE ROTATION DIET: I'm on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around, I eat. DIET JOKE: CHUBBY WUBBY: I know it's 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night? THE DIET HARD DIET DIET: I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he's trying to "Diet Hard". DIET RIDDLE: Q: What should you never put in an ice cream sundae? A: A Spoon. SAY IT AGAIN!!! I'M ON A DIET!!! Stop telling me about your diet. Just shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad. THE HORSE DIET: Q: Why are most horses in good shape? A: Because they are on a stable diet. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW "DON'T WORRY DIET"? WELL I DON'T REMEMBER. DID I? ALL I KNOW IS I AM GOING TO BE HEALTHY IF IT KILLS ME.
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WHATEVER! GIRDLE PUNS and GIRDLE JOKES: When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked she replied, "Of corset does!" GRANOLA PUN: This one is so funny, you'll be groan-olaing on the floor. My life is like a Nature Valley Granola bar It keeps crumbling apart. Okay, so it is more like a crapola joke. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Please read and send it to your friends. This letter will break your heart. I know you all are very caring people: LETTER FROM A LITTLE BOY NAMED BILLY EVANS: My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. They said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five friggin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless, nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much. Thank You and God Bless, Billy "Smiles" Evans (the boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body) PS: You can send money to the person who sent you this because that person is very trustworthy.
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BOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! Singing the blues: LONE RANGER AND TONTO WERE RIDING DOWN THE LINE. FIXING EVERYBODY'S TROUBLES, EVERYBODY'S BUT MINE. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT SEEING MY ENTIRE DIET HUMOR COLLECTION PUBLISHED IN A HARDBACK BOOK: If you are smart enough to read up to this point, maybe you are smart enough to figure out that I am saving my primo diet humor for a hardback diet humor book. I have worked long and hard for years and years and years and years and decades and decades collecting DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES and FUNNY DIET VERSES. I am NOT complaining. I am merely stating a fact! I want recognition of my unique collection. I am saving THE BEST OF THE BEST OF MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION to be published in a hardback diet humor book. I have spent over a half-century collecting DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES, not to mention thousands of original diet humor by moi, Daniel L. Worona I have no contacts in the publishing field. CAN YOU HELP ME? The least you can do to help me is spread the word about my DIET HUMOR WEBSITE to your friends. IF YOU DON'T CARE... WELL, C'est la vie. [WHATEVER!] As you wish, jellyfish. What can I do do do? There is nothing I can do do do. CAPICHE??? Take care, polar bear. Gotta run, honey bun. Thank you for your time. Please enjoy the rest of the world's #1 DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES website. DANIEL L. WORONA MY E-MAIL ADDRESS: Do not include any attachments. That is a big NO-NO! DIET JOKES compiled by DAN WORONA. I APOLOGIZE IF THESE JOKES MADE YOU HUNGRY. DANIEL L. WORONA "RARA AVIS" (RARE BIRD) Diet guru Daniel l. Worona says: STOP WEIGHTING, START LIVING. DANIEL L. WORONA’S DIET JOKES (will) WEAR (you) THIN. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? JOKE: A: It got tired of everyone making so many lame jokes. COPYRIGHT by DANIEL L. WORONA "Rara Avis" / "Rare Bird" (a.k.a. DaWor)
WHATEVER! WILL BE WILL WHATEVER! Or something like that. WHATEVER! LOOKING FOR DAN WORONA'S BURIED TREASURE TROVE OF DIET JOKES AND DIET HUMOR AND FUNNY DIET POEMS: A man is walking in the desert looking for Danny Boy, Oh Boy's treasure trove of HUMOR DE DIETA. TOP SECRET! MIDDLE SECRET! BOTTOM SECRET! HINT: It is buried somewhere in the Mexico. THIS ADVENTURE TO BE CONTINUED!!! UNTIL SOME SUNNY DAY... YEA! DAN WORONA "RARA AVIS" [RARE BIRD] LAUGH IT OFF DIET. IT'S A FUNNY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT. COPYRIGHT Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" ("Rare Bird"). (Online since: June 7, 1999.) [I’m out the door, dinosaur.] THIS IS A HOBBY DIET HUMOR WEBSITE. YOU ARE SAFE. I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING. My E-mail address is: dworona@yahoo.com Please include the words DIET HUMOR in the Subject line of your e-mail, otherwise it will be deleted and unread. Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me. PLEASE NOTE: My YAHOO E-MAIL ADDRESS is 100% SECURE. The connection to the YAHOO server is encrypted. Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com. HOW YOU CAN HELP ME: PLEASE ADD A HOT (ACTIVE) LINK TO MY DIET HUMOR WEBSITE ON YOUR BLOG, WEBSITE, or SOCIAL MEDIA. THANK YOU! DAN WORONA RE: E-MAILING DAN WORONA. Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com. If you want to contact me, YOU WILL HAVE TO TYPE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IN MANUALLY. (or do a COPY & PASTE) My E-mail address is: “dworona@yahoo.com” without the quotes.
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