| NEW DIET JOKES |
|
FUNNY NEW DIET HUMOR AND FUNNY NEW DIET JOKES JEST FOR YOU!!! DON'T TELL ANYONE [TOP SECRET]: SEE BOTTOM OF THIS WEBPAGE. WELCOME TO THE WORLD’S FATTEST DIET HUMOR COLLECTION!!! It is a lifelong collection of more than 65 years. I have collected thousands and thousands of diet jokes and other humor related to dieting, weight loss, food and fitness. I am a former physical education teacher and I know whereof what I speak. A PEERLESS DIET HUMOR COLLECTION compiled by DANIEL L. WORONA (PEERLESS: without equal; unrivaled.) NUMBER ONE, SECOND TO NONE! Celebrating a quarter-century as the #1 DIET HUMOR website.* Thank you, Diet coach and diet humorist: Daniel L. Worona [BEWARE: Dishonest search engines give their advertisers higher ratings THAT THEY DO NOT DESERVE.] FUNNY NEW DIET JOKES: THE SECRET TO A LONGER LIFE: LIFE IS SHORT... RUNNING MAKES IT SEEM LONGER. THE NEWIEST "I'M NOT FAT" JOKE: A PLUS-SIZE GIRLS SAYS: They say that the human body is made up of nearly 80% water. So, I’m not fat, I’m just waterlogged! “LIFE” PUN by DANIEL WORONA LIFE IS A DEAD END. You end up dead. (They don’t call me “SUNSHINE DAN” for nothin’.) Woriginal pun by Daniel L. Worona PLEASE NOTE: My name is NOT author anonymous, nor AUTHOR UNKNOWN. "Woriginal": That means, if you put it on your website, give Daniel L. Worona credit!!! Don't be a FATHEAD!!! OBESITY DAFFYNITION by DANIEL WORONA. Obesity is a form of slow suicide where you fork yourself to death. WORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA PLEASE NOTE: My name is NOT Author Anonymous, nor AUTHOR UNKNOWN. BEST NEW DIET JOKES: THE SALAD DIET: THE OVERWEIGHT GIRL SAYS: I had a salad for dinner. …potato salad. GYM SIGN: BIRTHDAY SUITS TAILORED HERE. Sign up today. DIET AND HEALTH PUN by DANIEL WORONA ILL CHOICES = ILL CONSEQUENCES. WORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA OBESITY JOKE OF THE WEEK: Obesity is a growing problem. There is TONS OF EVIDENCE. WORIGINAL DANIEL L. WORONA WEIGHT LOSS JOKE OF THE WEEK: There are many proven effective ways to lose weight. Doing nothing is NOT one of them. WORIGINAL DANIEL L. WORONA DIET JOKE OF THE WEEK: THE HOMELESS FAT MAN JOKE: (DANIEL WORONA "version") I was walking down Beverly Hills Blvd. when I saw a 400 pound and plenty homeless man sitting on a milk crate, holding a cardboard sign that read: WILL WORK FOR FOOD. I looked at his humongous stomach and I said to him, "Damn! You must be a really good worker!" WORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA PLEASE NOTE: My name is NOT Author Anonymous, nor AUTHOR UNKNOWN. NEW DIET JOKES NOTICE: I will continue to add DIET HUMOR to this webpage, however, I will not be posting the "PRIMO", or "THE BEST OF THE BEST" of my more than 65-year DIET HUMOR collection. I am saving the "CREME DE LA CREME" of my diet humor collection for when umpteen thousands diet humor sayings and jokes are published in book form. WANTED: DIET, WEIGHT LOSS, FAT and / or OBESITY JOKES, HUMOR / HUMOUR, PUNS, FUNNY DIET POEMS ETC. Please e-mail me and I will share. Send me a FUNNY DIET or WEIGHT LOSS JOKE and you will lose weight instantly. NEW DIET JOKES webpage started MARCH 8, 2013. PLEASE NOTE: All future NEW DIET JOKES will be posted below. Come back anytime you need to laugh off a few calories. NEW DIET JOKE ZINGER HUMDINGER: Show me a diet doctor and I'll show you someone who lives off the fat of the land. FUNNY OVERWEIGHT ELVIS LAUGH: FAT ELVIS SINGS: I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU. MORE AND MORE. DIET LAUGHS GALORE AND MORE: HILARIOUS ANOREXIC PUN: Did you hear about the woman who was so thin and frail that when she bent over to pick up a sieve, she strained her self. A SICKO HIPPO RIDDLE: Q: What do you call a hippo who thinks she is sick? A: A HIPPOCHONDRIAC. DOUBLE OVER WITH LAUGHTER: A DIET JOKESTER PALINDROME: I prefer pi. GOOFY GRAB BAG GAGS: A QUIRKY JERKY TURKEY JOKE (To make you groan and moan): Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? FUNNY NEW DIET QUOTE: DIET FORTUNE COOKIE: An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ANTI JOKE: IT'S NO JOKE! JOKE: ANTI-DIET JOKE: Yo mama’s so fat... PROCRASTINATION LAFF: Want to hear a funny quote about procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow. SKINNY JEANS JOKE: All jeans are skinny jeans if you're fat. A TEE HEE HEE TUMMY TICKLER: Q: Where would I be without coffee? A: In bed. THIN-SPIRATIONAL RUNNERS MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE: Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win. OBESITY HINKY PINKY: What do you call a strong and bulky southpaw? A: HEFTY LEFTY. Let's have some fun and share a pun. OVEREATERS & OBESITY PUN: Food addition is a big problem. THE RAQUEL CHICKEN DIET: Every time I start to go on a diet, I chicken out. FUNNY QUOTES, OLD SAYINGS, NEW SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES: The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity and the optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. FUNNY DIET TIP: DIET SLOGAN: BODY BUILDER MOTTO: FUNNY FAT RUNNERS QUOTE: FAT RUNNER: "I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing forty." FUNNY DIET MIRTH: A MIRTHFUL DIET JOKE: Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me. HEE HAW DIET CHUCKLES: DIET CHUCLKLE #2: DIET YUKS AND DIET YUK YUKS: DIET YUK #2: I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience. Please return for more belly laughs and gut busters and side-splitters. WELCOME TO DANIEL WORONA'S DIET LAUGHLAND / LAUGHLANDIA: DIET PALINDROME: Desserts, I stressed! FUNNY FIT WIT (FITNESS HUMOR): COUCH POTATO AND FITNESS SAYING: No matter how slow you go, you are lapping everybody on the couch. EXTRA-BIG LAUGH (A PHAT FAT JOKEROO): FUNNY DIET GRIPE: A DIET HALF-JOKE: OVERWEIGHT GIRL: Would you buy me a Diet-Coke? DIET GURU DANNY BOY: How about we go halves? OVERWEIGHT GIRL: Fine. DIET GURU DANNY BOY: Okay then, I'll get you a diet. (Think about it , amigos.) NU DIET JOKES: A TON OF FUN KIDS RIDDLE: Q: What kind of keys do chubby kids like to carry? A: Cookies. A FUNNY DIET BOOK NEVER WRITTEN:
99 WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT by I. M. HUNGRY A KILLER-DILLER MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN JOKE: JOSHING BIG GUT SLANG: GOOFY (BLEEP) FAT LAZY DOG RIDDLE: Q: What does a lazy fat dog chase? A: Parked cars. TRUE DIET CONFESSIONS: I'm a big piggy. I have an INSATIABLE APPETITE for DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES!!! "ENOUGH IS NEVER ENOUGH." ...That's my motto. I could REALLY use your help. Send me some diet humor and diet jokes See you at the diet humor trough! Let's munch and crunch a bunch of diet jokes. Daniel Worona "RARE BIRD" A TATTY FATTY DIET DROPOUT T-SHIRT: BELLY LAUGH by DANIEL WORONA BOOKS THAT WERE NEVER WRITTEN: SHAKE OFF THAT EXTRA WEIGHT by Belle E. Danzer THIN AND GRIN, IT AIN'T NO SIN! FUN RULES TO LIVE BY: "Just keep laughin'." ZINGERS AND STINGERS: FUNNY DESSERT QUOTE: Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. A GUT-BUSTING DAFFYNITION: SEAMSTRESS: 240 pounds in a size 6. DIET MIRTHQUAKE: FUNNY FITNESS HUMOUR: EXERCISE! The poor man's plastic surgery. FITNESS HUMOR: HAVE A LAUGHING FIT! A FITNESS AND EXERCISE CHORTLE: If you don't exercise, and eat all you want; you will probably die before your time. But if you choose a healthy lifestyle, exercise, jog and count calories, you will merely wish you were dead. A TREASURY OF DIET HILARITY collected by DANIEL WORONA A DIET CONUNDRUM: Send me a good one and I will post it here, you hear! DIET WORDS OF WISDOM: A WINGY DINGY MOTIVATIONAL DIET WITTY DITTY: PUNNY HEART SURGERY BOOK: IRISH HEART SURGERY by ANGIE O'PLASTY FAT GIRL SAYS: MY FAVORITE TYPE OF MEN IS RAMEN!!! ANTI-OBESITY PUN: OBESITY IS A GRAVE MISTAKE. WORIGINAL DANIEL L. WORONA FUNNY MARATHON SPECTATOR SIGN: HEY, YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! HERE THEY IZ!!!! MORE NEWBIE JOKES: DIET JOKE: Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created awful calluses on his feet. he also ate very little, making him frail. and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? Answer: A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 1960s JOKE: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. LAWYER JOKE: How to tell you have a BAD Lawyer: He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
DIET WISECRACK: LAUGH IT OFF DIET By DAN WORONA Why Diet? Just Laugh the Pounds Away! WANTED: FUNNY VEGETABLE JOKES. If so, lettuce know. FUNNY POSTURE ADVICE: Unless you're doing the limbo. NEW DIET JOKES (from my website visitors): THIS SPACE IS RESERVED FOR DIET JOKES SENT TO ME BY GOOD HEARTED DIETERS. WARNING TO ALL YOU FATTIES: Don' believe me? "JUST YOU WEIGHT!!!" Diet guru: DAN DAN THE DIET HUMOR MAN (Daniel Worona). UNDER CONSTRUCTION. PLEASE RETURN ANOTHER DAY. HINT HINT: I am waiting for some of you to send me some diet laughs. WELCOME TO DANIEL WORONA'S DIET LAUGHLANDIA. A WORLD OF DIET HEE HAWS AWAITS YOU AND YOURS. BACON HUMOR BUTTON: I'd be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees. 3 MORE NU 4 U JOKES: FAT GIRL JOKE: FAT GIRL: "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." BRITISH DIET HUMOR: Q: What do the Brits eat for breakfast? A: Cheerios 'ol chap. BRITISH FAT JOKE: Yo mum so fat the Royal Marines stole her knickers to use as parachutes.
|
THIN-SPIRATION by DAN WORONA
|
|
SWINE FLU AND OBESITY JOKE:
FAT MAN EATING A BACON SANDWICH SAYS: Let's stop worrying about suddingly dying from eating pigs and get back to slowly dying from eating pigs. BREAKING NEWS: Avian and swine flu mutate. Flying pigs shot down over the White House. TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE, THAT IS THE QUESTION. FUN PUN: When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble. A PUNNY FUNNY: DIET, EXERCISE, FITNESS, NUTRITION, and FOOD HUMOR / HUMOUR. PUNNINESS: Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. SILLY KIDS FOOD RIDDLES:
Q: What did the hungry computer eat? A: Chips, one byte at a time. Q: What did the cannibal order for take-out?
A: Pizza with everyone on it. Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? A: Footprints in the cheesecake. Q: Why did the man eat at the bank?
A: He wanted to eat rich food. Diet guru Daniel Worona says: I am terribly sorry if you misinterpreded my brilliant diet and food humor as not tasteful. |
|
NEW DIET JOKES FUNNY WEIGHT LOSS TEAMS: DUMP-YOUR-RUMP. CHOOSE TO LOSE. DIE LARD. SHED THE LED. FLEXING YOUR FUNNY BONE DANIEL WORONA'S DIET HUMOR IS PAINFULLY FUNNY It must be the PUNCHLINES!!! FUNNY HEALTH SLOGAN: STAY STRONG, LIVE LONG. FUNNY DIET AND NUTRITION SLOGAN: Eat right and the pants won't be tight. TICKLE YOU FUNNY BONE WITH A FEW BELLY LAUGHS: Get rid of your ABOMINAL ABDOMINALS with Daniel Worona's World Famous DIET YUK YUKS and RAFF OF LAFF GAFFS and LAUGH IT OFF DIET. DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY JOKEROO: FAT GIRL SAYS: Happy National Half-Price Chocolate day! OLD AGE JOKE: You know you're getting older when you look in the mirror and say, "Dad? DONUT DAFFYNITION: FAT MAN SAYS: YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE.
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR KIDS. BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT A GOOD CHEESE BURGER. MY BODY IS A TEMPLE JOKE: FIVE DAYS A WEEK MY BODY IS A TEMPLE. THE OTHER TWO IT'S AN AMUSEMENT PARK. DANIEL WORONA’S LAUGH IT OFF DIET:
A laugh a day, keeps the pounds away. Woriginal Daniel L. WoronaDaniel "WOR" Worona, diet humorist, diet guru, anti-obesity activist, obesity and fitness expert, wishes you a HEALTHIER and WELL-THIER you!!! FUNNY EXERCISE JOKE: If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. MIRTH TO LOSE YOUR GIRTH: EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN JOKE: Don’t forget, your brain needs exercise, too. So, spend lots of time thinking up excuses for not working out.A FUNNY HA HA PLASTIC SURGERY JOKE:
THE PERFECT FITNESS JOKE FOR THE COUCH POTATO: GYM JOKE:
HILARIOUS OUT OF SHAPE JOKE: You know that you’re out of shape when you can’t pull supermarket shopping carts apart. KIDS FOOD RIDDLES: Q: Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny? THE WORLD'S FIRST INVISIBLE DIET JOKE CHILDHOOD OBESITY QUIZ for MICHELLE OBAMA: Q: If you can't get the Swine Flu from eating bacon, what can you get? 1. Obesity. 2. Heart disease. 3. Hardening of the arteries. 4. All of the above.
THE TWENTY-THIRD PASTRAMI DIETER'S PSALM DIETER'S PSALM DIETER’S PSALM THE TWENTY-THIRD CUPCAKE PSALM MY BELLY HANGETH OVER SWAN PSALM -Author Unknown THE DIETER'S 23rd PSALM THE DIETER'S 23rd PSALM
The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. -Author Unknown |
THE FOOD POLICE GONNA GETCHA!!!
|
NEW DIET JOKES: BEST OF THE WORST JOKES CATEGORY: NEW DIET JOKES THE WORST DIET JOKES EVER CATEGORY:Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this clown taste funny to you? BONUS JOKE (JUST FOR YOU): THE WORST FAT JOKE EVER: THE WORST OVERWEIGHT JOKE EVER: THE MIRACLE DIET: THE WORLD'S FIRST INVISIBLE DIET JOKE by DANIEL L. WORONA: (If you're smart, you can probably see right through it.) “LIFE” PUN by DANIEL WORONA LIFE IS A DEAD END. You end up dead. (They don’t call me “SUNSHINE DAN” for nothin’.) Woriginal pun by Daniel L. Worona PLEASE NOTE: My name is NOT author anonymous, nor AUTHOR UNKNOWN. "Woriginal": That means, if you put it on your website, give Daniel L. Worona credit!!! Don't be a FATHEAD!!! GOOD-HEARTED HANK WILLIAMS: At the close of one of his radio shows, Hank told his listeners, “BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.” AN OLD PROSPECTOR’S WISDOM An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance -- Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge shotgun barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir -- But I've always wanted to." There are a few lessons for all of us here: *Don't be arrogant. *Don't waste ammunition. *Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. *Always make sure you know who is in control. *And finally, Don't screw around with old folks -- They didn't get old by being stupid! NEWBIE WOMEN'S JOKES: WOMAN’S T-SHIRT: Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear. CORNY DIET HUMOR AND CORNY DIET JOKES: A CORN JOKE: Some people think corny jokes are bad. But I think they're a-maize-ing! CORNY PUNS: I heard you guys like corny jokes I'll give you an ear full. KIDS CORNY JOKE: Why did the corn go to the doctor? It had an ear infection. A CORNY HEALTH JOKE: What's the healthiest type of joke? A corny one.
WISE WORDS OF HANK WILLIAMS: At the end of his radio show he would say: Remember one thing, will ya. Don't ever worry about nothing, 'cause ain't nothing gonna be alright nohow. JEST FOR LAUGHS: As Hank Williams use to say: Now when you get to thinking you’re really smart, there's always somebody smarter then you. Or as my father use to say: EVERYBODY KNOWS MORE THAN SOMEBODY, Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys? It’s true! When was the last time you ate a monkey? WORIGINAL ORIGINAL by DANIEL L. WORONA “RARA AVIS” I’m jest monkeying around. ONE-THIRD OF A JOKE by DANIEL WORONA: 1/3 OF A JOKE: Have you ever heard one-third of a joke? Here it is: Good things come to those who… (I will post the other two-thirds of this joke in one year.) WORIGINAL DANIEL L. WORONA "RARA AVIS" PLEASE NOTE: My name is not Author Anonymous. "Woriginal": That means, if you put it on your website, give Daniel L. Worona credit!!! LAUGH IT OFF DIET. IT'S A FUNNY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT. COPYRIGHT 1949-2021 Daniel L. Worona "Rara Avis" ("Rare Bird"). BOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! Singing the blues: LONE RANGER AND TONTO WERE RIDING DOWN THE LINE. FIXING EVERYBODY'S TROUBLES, EVERYBODY'S BUT MINE. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT SEEING MY ENTIRE DIET HUMOR COLLECTION PUBLISHED IN A HARDBACK BOOK: If you are smart enough to read up to this point, maybe you are smart enough to figure out that I am saving my primo diet humor for a hardback diet humor book. I have worked long and hard for years and years and years and years and decades and decades collecting DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES and FUNNY DIET VERSES. I am NOT complaining. I am merely stating a fact! I want recognition of my unique collection. I am saving THE BEST OF THE BEST OF MY DIET HUMOR COLLECTION to be published in a hardback diet humor book. I have spent over a half-century collecting DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES, not to mention thousands of original diet humor by moi, Daniel L. Worona I have no contacts in the publishing field. CAN YOU HELP ME? The least you can do to help me is spread the word about my DIET HUMOR WEBSITE to your friends. IF YOU DON'T CARE... WELL, C'est la vie. [WHATEVER!] As you wish, jellyfish. What can I do do do? There is nothing I can do do do. CAPICHE??? Take care, polar bear. Gotta run, honey bun. Thank you for your time. Please enjoy the rest of the world's #1 DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES website. DANIEL L. WORONA MY E-MAIL ADDRESS: Do not include any attachments. That is a big NO-NO! DIET JOKES compiled by DAN WORONA. I APOLOGIZE IF THESE JOKES MADE YOU HUNGRY. DANIEL L. WORONA "RARA AVIS" (RARE BIRD) DIET PUN by MOI: Diet guru Daniel l. Worona says: STOP WEIGHTING, START LIVING. [Pun on: STOP WAITING, START LIVING!] DANIEL L. WORONA’S DIET JOKES (will) WEAR (you) THIN. WHY DID THE CHICKEN STOP CROSSING THE ROAD? A: It got tired of everyone making so many lame jokes. [See you later, perpetrator.]
I really think that tossing and turning at night should be considered as exercise. COPYRIGHT by DANIEL L. WORONA "Rara Avis" / "Rare Bird" (a.k.a. DaWor) RE: E-MAILING DAN WORONA. Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com. If you want to contact me, YOU WILL HAVE TO TYPE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IN MANUALLY. (or do a COPY & PASTE) My E-mail address is: “dworona@yahoo.com” without the quotes. SPEAK THE TRUTH, THEN RUN LIKE HELL! --DANIEL L. WORONA [I lost my horse.] DIET AND HEALTH SECRET: DIET, HEALTH AND GOOD POSTURE: SIT UP STRAIGHT. WHY OH WHY? Oh, gosh! My vital organs are being squashed! DON’T SLOUCH ON THE COUCH! Never slouch, as doing so compresses the lungs, and your other vital organs are being squashed. WORIGINAL ORIGINAL DIET AND POSTURE TIP by DANIEL L. WORONA CORNY DIET JOKES Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they’re always stuffed. CORNY DIET JOKES: A woman noticed her beer-belly overweight husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “That’s not going to help,” she mocked him. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.” WORDS OF WISDOM LIFE QUOTE: LIFE IS A ONE-WAY STREET. So enjoy it while you can.
|